All Parenting Advice is Worthless
This is the meaning you’ve been craving, the next phase of your life. It’s new. It’s exciting. You’re going to be a parent.
Your life up to now has been focused on shaping an identity that is about to be replaced. You’ve spent your life being the hero of your own story. Well, guess what you’ve been dethroned. Suddenly, you’re in someone else’s story. And the stakes are even higher. Suddenly you’ll be providing the pages that someone else is writing on. The letters are smeared but your eyes will learn to read through it, to focus. At your best, this journey will make you more engaged in every aspect of life.
Before you read my parenting advice first please realize that all parenting advice is worthless. You just can’t study for this. New humans are unpredictable, amazing, cunning, addictive little people who are programmed to train the trainer. With that said, here are thoughts that might better equip you for the adventure ahead:
Pick your poison. Maybe you’ll be anti-screen, anti-sugar, anti-kid-crying-in-restaurant, even anti-formula, anti-plastic toys, anti-pacifier, anti-cry it out, anti-stroller. And these are are worthy endeavors, but be selective about what you really care about. Also, get aligned with your spouse on expectations. Those alignment conversations are cute as she’s sneaking a sip of your beer and the two of you are mooning over her belly. They are less cute when the cacophony hits. When in doubt, indulge in lazy parenting practices. These vices can be the secret to survival. The difference between the polished do-it-all parent and the frayed what-happened-to-them parent. There is no scorecard. And when the judges ask, feel free to lie with a smile.
Start new habits. Up at 6AM? Cafe Buna on Washington is open, and will have your food ready for you piping hot if you call and order ahead. For dinner? Pitfire Pizza is slammed with crying babies and food throwing kids until at least 8PM most nights. They have salads and turkey meatballs if you’re trying to avoid the dad-bod. Look around and bask in the glow of people you’re parenting better than. Be nice to your wife, even nicer than before. Send nice texts. Compliment her. Do things you don’t want to do and don’t mention it. Go for walks together. Turn on some music if the baby starts to fuss. Be a man and wear the baby. Talk about your kid to each other, but also try not to sometimes.
Be on the go. Get out of the house! Frequently, and especially in the beginning. Like the second your wife can walk. Put the baby in a pack and see a loud show. Spend lots of time outdoors. The best way to keep your house clean is to not be there. Expose your child to speed, heat, noise, cold, and loud sirens. Get your child used to falling asleep anywhere and being woken up at any time. Don’t feel guilty for a minute. Invest in mobility products; a compact stroller, a trail worthy stroller, a carrier, a bike seat. Good to know: they have car adapters for breast pumps. Show your child the world and do not become a slave to nap times and feedings. Also, make a habit of leaving your baby with new babysitters. After all, you’ve only been doing this for a few months. They likely have more experience than you. Oh, and when your kid is eight months old, go wine tasting. Bring a picnic and sit in the sun while they nibble cheese and fruit and nuts. It’s the perfect, non-mobile age to go before hiring a child-minder/DD is necessary (also a good strategy, as driving babysitters are cheaper than actual drivers!)
Don’t clear your schedule, clear your mind. Some people will tell you that it’s about the hours you put in with your children, but the truth is it’s the intensity. It’s much easier to prepare for a business meeting than to engage in a game of Candy Land or explain why dinosaurs are no longer around. More difficult than clearing a schedule, these intense spurts of focus are something you have to train for. Just like you have to learn to quiet your mind during yoga, engaging in a relationship with a kid means letting yourself fall down the rabbit hole, and leaving your cell phone and your to do list up above. It’s a daily exercise in self control, but once you polish your practice, your days will be filled with little gratifying moments of joy and amazement. These engaged moments, even if they’re five minutes before bed, are what they’ll remember about you.
Get on some daycare and/or preschool waitlists. To get on a waitlist, you’ll have to sign up for the next available tour. (Are you in for a treat!) Montessori? Baby yoga? Chinese-language instruction? And only the finest organic, plant-based snacks. You’ll kind of love it, but also be stunned at the power of marketing.
For full time childcare, we’ve done grandma, nanny, nanny-share, full time daycare, and aupair. They are all good options. If you want to do a daycare on the westside, get on the waitlist immediately. We were at Maple Tree Academy on Pico & 14th in Santa Monica. Another good one is the Growing Place. It’s nicer but more expensive and requires parent volunteer hours.
Even if you have infant care covered, get on the waitlist for preschool. LA parents are crazy. Some of this decision will depend on whether you want to do private or public school for primary school. We were public school kids, so we were looking for nice, but not too nice. My son went to Young Mind Learning Academy, which was small but idyllic and has a location in Venice and in West LA before Maple Tree Academy. If you want to send your kids to preschool with celebrity kids and set them up to go to Harvard, it’s Piper Preschool or Cassidy Preschool in Santa Monica. Most are fine. The only option we found creepy was home based daycares. (The minders seemed a little crazy.)
Be happy and excited. There’s no need for apprehension. Define this thing on your own terms. Love your new little person everyday, and it will be great. Each day will be something new for the rest of your life. And this beginning you’ll play over and over again.
